NEDS!

The least pleasant thing about Glasgow (aside from perhaps the trash and dog mess that no one seems compelled to dispose of properly) are the "neds," known to the world more generally as "punk kids." However, these unruly bastards cannot simply be understood by the more general moniker, so I am pleased that they have their own apt sign and referent: NEDS!

What makes them so distinct, one might ask? It is not so much a difference in kind, but degree - the degree to which they just don't give a shit what or who or how they destroy; for that is the sole purpose of the ned, to reduce lived experience to a mode of unreflective and purposeless destruction. For example, whereas "punk kids" will set fire to an abandoned building because it's there and fire is cool, "neds" will set fire to the same building in order to attack the firefighters with bricks, broken bottles, and knives when they arrive on the scene, thus destroying not only some vacant building, but the entire concept and experience of a community that is worth serving and protecting, of an occupation that is a figure for social valor and heroism. But this is certainly to over-intellectualize the behavior and intent of the ned, which, as we should remember, is defined by its unreflective and purposeless destruction. Another example: whereas a punk kid will lean out the window of an SUV to yell "nice shorts fag" at a passing runner, "neds" (who will never have or be found in an SUV) will come at you in herds and on foot (or occasionally on dirt bikes, most likely stolen), again wielding and whipping rocks and glass bottles; and though it goes without saying that the victim is "pure gay," you need not be wearing the "wee shorts" (or even running) for to provoke the neds.

As far as I know, an in-depth anthropological analysis of Glasgow's neds has yet to be fashioned, and I hereby call attention to the need for such a study, which will most certainly enhance our understanding of youthful destructiveness in its most unadulterated form(-lessness). Until then, I will simply leave you with this dramatic re-enactment of ned-talk (produced under the influence of a few pints I must add):